June meeting tomorrow

Our next meeting will be tomorrow, June 8th, at All Fired Up in Cleveland Park.  We met there last year and it was a great opportunity to create in memory of our angel babies.  Please get in touch for more details.

~b

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Happy Mother’s Day

To all the moms of angel babies, may you find peace on this day.

erma

362 Days

362 days ago I lost my ignorance to the fact that sometimes things just go wrong with no explanation, rhyme, or reason and leave you shocked and speechless. 362 days ago my heart was broken and I was left with bodily-proof of a pregnancy but no beautiful outcome. 362 days ago on February 8th 2014, my first baby and son, my “Littefoot”, Anthony D. Younger II was born still at 11:29am weighing in at 5 pounds and 7.3 ounces. His absence speaks loudly and I’ve been reminded on a daily basis.

It’s been 362 days later and my husband and I are expecting our rainbow baby (let’s call him “RB” for short) who is due next month, and is also a little boy. Needless to say, my mixing bowl of emotions is constantly stirring with grief, happiness and joy, anxiety and nervousness for both babies.

I’m thankful to God for Littlefoot’s life and that I was given the opportunity to be his mom. I’m thankful for the deep level of appreciation for life that I have now and share with other baby-loss parents, even though the pain we’ve all endured to reach that level of appreciation can’t be described and shouldn’t ever be felt by anyone. I’m in love with RB and thankful that he is doing well, but I’m still sad. My heart expanded in becoming pregnant with RB, but it’s still broken.

They’re wrong when they say that time heals all wounds. It doesn’t. It only temporarily lessens the blow. Grief is a cycle. It’s intense and physically hurts for a while, but then it eases just a bit as life continues to go on, as you continue to live and mildly focus on other things. Then, it randomly hits you. It could be triggered by a song, or something happening in front of you, or a memory, and for 5 minutes or 55 minutes you’re taken back to the beginning and everything you initially felt comes rushing back. Then, it passes. As time goes on, this cycle repeats itself. This is where I am: loving my baby that’s in the womb and taking care of myself for the both of us, fighting fear like it’s a full-time job, and getting closer to the 1st birthday of my beautiful firstborn who I love and miss that’s in heaven.

All of the ideas that I’ve seen online for the past month are beautiful but they don’t seem to fit us honoring his life this coming Sunday. I know it doesn’t have to be perfect or “good enough”, but I’ve just been so lost. My husband and I have decided to have dinner at home, paint a special birthday vase for him, and annually put purple flowers in it since February’s birthstone is amethyst. I keep a journal where I write to him so maybe I’ll write a letter. Loving both babies simultaneously is effortless, but loving Littlefoot from far away while being reminded of what happened and all that our family missed out on combined with planning ways to honor his memory is the hardest thing to do.

  • Monique

Rainbow Baby Shower (another LBODC milestone!)

Milne smallest things

Monique is having a rainbow baby next month, and in one week we will be getting together to celebrate her pregnancy in our first ever rainbow baby shower!

Baby showers are a sensitive subject in pregnancy loss groups, but Monique is one of our own and we are so happy that her angel son Anthony is a big brother.  Next Sunday is the one year anniversary of Anthony’s birthday, and we look forward to offering Monique something to look forward to after what will surely be an emotional weekend.  We’re busy planning and I look forward to sharing some pictures next week!

As always, please get in touch if you are interested in attending our meetings and events.  Also, feel free to share some well wishes for Monique below.

~b

Tonight’s meeting postponed

Due to the weather we will be postponing our meeting tonight.  January’s meeting will now happen next Monday (Martin Luther King Jr. Day) and we will meet for brunch.  Please email lightbetweenoceansdc@gmail.com for further details.  Hope to see you all there!

Happy birthday Jesse Garon Presley (oh, and Elvis too)

80 years ago today, Jesse Presley was born still just before his twin brother Elvis was born alive.  While I knew that Elvis had a twin who died young, it wasn’t until today that I learned Jesse was stillborn.

Today, on the 16th anniversary of miscarriage #1 and the first anniversary of miscarriage #3.

In the case of a full term pregnancy such as Jesse’s, it makes sense to call today a birthday.  However, my first and third babies weren’t due until the summer, so I can’t call this date their birthday.  I feel that the dates of my miscarriages are important milestones in my grief journey (I’ll take any reminder I can of their existence, for better or worse) and I’ve often felt like there should be a name for the date of a pregnancy loss.  I’ve heard the term angelversary, but I don’t care for that term personally.

How do you refer to the date of your loss?  Do you do anything to memorialize your babies on the anniversary of the loss?

~b

January 2015 meeting

Happy New Year!

Our next meeting will take place next Monday, January 12.  Please email lightbetweenoceansdc@gmail.com for more information.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Today would be Baby 2 and 3’s first Christmas.  Having two miscarriages within four months adds another hurdle to the mental mindfuck of a “what if” game because there’s no way both of them could be here together.

I initially succeeded at keeping Baby’s First Christmas thoughts out of my mind- I’ve been so busy lately that it hasn’t been very difficult.  It wasn’t until this morning, when I woke up before my husband and found myself sitting alone in our quiet home that I finally let my mind wander and imagine what today might have been like if our babies were here.

Baby 2 would be 8 months old and Baby 3 would be 3.5 months old, so if by some medical miracle they were here with us, Christmas would be very different!  Instead of a quiet day with just the two of us, our home would be filled with giggles, squeals, and cries.  We might even have relatives traveling to celebrate with us instead of handing out guilt-trips about us not going to them.  Honestly though, how could I go to them and keep my sanity?   Baby’s first Christmas on one side and Baby’s second Christmas on the other and no mention of our babies, or the first Christmas we’re not getting to spend with them, from anyone (including our mothers who have each experienced losses.)

I’m not writing this post to spread doom and gloom, rather to voice one reaction to another missed milestone.  There are many blessings in my life for which I am grateful, and Light Between Oceans is one of them.  It’s our first Christmas, and I’m glad we’ve found each other.

We’re also leaving for Texas tomorrow, something we surely wouldn’t be doing if our babies were here with us.  Since we started TTC I always think about how every trip I take could be the last where I can eat, drink, and do anything, free from the constraints that pregnancy imposes.  While I would gladly trade in the freedom for pregnancy, in the meantime I will relax and enjoy as much as I can on this trip!

I hope that when we celebrate next Christmas, we will have a baby in our arms instead of in our hearts.  This Humans of New York post from yesterday gave me some hope that it’s possible, and I hope it brings peace to others as well.

Merry Christmas, Angel Mamas.

~b